Journey of two

I close my eyes for a moment. I take in a deep breath.Bad idea. All I smell is antiseptics. A strong sickening smell, it makes me nauseous.I prefer the sweet coffee aroma, so I get myself a cup of coffee from the grey machine that stands on the side of the room. The one which I have been drinking from over and over again, for so many mornings now.
Every morning I tell myself I wont drink it again. It doesn’t taste like coffee, but then this is a hospital; coffee cant taste like coffee, can it?

Has it been 48 days? Or 49? I honestly lost count.I look around the room and my eyes lay on the 15-year old who’s slouching on his usual chair. He comes in every Sunday and Tuesday, and sits there chewing gum and looking bored and not happy about the fact that he is here. But then, no one would be happy about being here.

I smile at him, and he gives me his usual frown. It takes you a few weeks of smiling at that boy and getting frowns in return, to stop believing that smiles are contagious.I cross my legs, uncross them, stand up and walk around the room then sit back again shifting in my seat. These plastic chairs are so uncomfortable.

It’s 10.25, almost time.My gaze moves towards the small room door as I patently wait, for what I consider my only glimpse of hope in this cold, tiring place.

There they are. They walk hand in hand as usual.They don’t really walk, they slowly hobble in. The long time which takes them to reach their seats doesn’t ever seem to bother either of them. They just smile at each other adoringly

He has hair that’s as white as December snow, and kind brown eyes which are as warm and light as the coffee in my plastic cup.
She , on the other hand, has a tiny frail figure and delicate wrinkled hands which I wish I could touch, just one time.
I cant help staring at them. I cant help smiling either, or finding myself lost in thoughts and wondering about their long journey; a journey of two.

A glance back

I remember being 18
I was one of those relatively tiny girls, who had an attitude as twice as her size.I remember being stubborn, enthusiastic, passionate rebellious and full of mischief. I also remember being naïve, fragile, so afraid of the unknown and terrified of change.

I was, as my dad described me -and still does- his tough woman.When anything was forced upon me, I objected. I voiced my objection, I ranted, I cried, I refused to eat or talk, whatever it required to get my way.

For the first time in my life though, my countless methods of resistance have all failed.I announced my defeat, packed my most precious belongings in a couple of bags and took along every photograph I had. I hugged my closest friends goodbye and got in the backseat of the car, my face covered with angry tears, sitting there in an a miserable silence, which lasted for days.

It felt as though my life was coming to an end.

In a blink of an eye, it all changed.

Day by day, I found myself swooped in, until I looked around and suddenly realized that I have been lost in the crowd and have become part of it. It took my breath away.The cultures, the religions, the political views, the struggles, the hopes, the dreams, the ambitions, the ideas, the beliefs and the causes. The vast differences and barriers of languages and colors, and the simple similarities of being human.

Many Years, faces , names and life stories later, I came to see that life was much more than what it used to be in that little bubble.I have found myself. I have learnt to have a say in what I wanted to be.The world has so much to offer me, just like I have so much to offer.

They keep asking me if I would have done it differently have I had a choice. I keep answering “I wouldn’t have changed a thing”

I Rant

Over and over again, for as long as I could remember, I have always felt misplaced in this society.I used to think it was normal. Part of growing up. You get confused, you sort it out, and everything falls into place.

As I grow older though, it hits me every morning I wakeup, the sad apprehension that this is not me “growing up”. Things are never going to fall into place. A worrying thought, which makes me want to stay curled up in my safe bed. To go back to sleep and never wakeup.

Let me clarify.No one killed my dreams. Nor have I ever been an oppressed woman. I have been given unlimited love, freedom and trust. I’ve been educated well and been given all the support, space and advice I have ever needed to achieve whatever aspiration I have ever had.I have educated parents, loving siblings and a good family.Health, wealth, class, beauty. Tick, tick, tick and tick.

What is it, you may question, that I lack? What am I ranting about?I’m not ungrateful, nor am I unappreciative. I promise.My issue is not personal. My dilemma is the fact that I cant just “let it be”I can’t seem to come to level with this society and its law and order.I am lost and I am never ashamed to admit it.

I am not talking about the typical exhausted issues, such as double standards, inequality, being scared of judgment and having to think twice before or after every word and action.I’m not even voicing my objection about being told what to do, believe in, who to love and how to live.

What angers me, is not knowing what the benchmarks are. Senseless, ridiculous cultural rules and traditions that have no relation and many times even clash with religion. Empty, aimless lives. Hollow spirits lead by the love of money and power.Shallow materialistic stupid girls who lack proper principles, opinions and most importantly purposes.Men who are hypocrites, lead double lives and think that their gender gives them the right to do so. After all, they are invincible

It exhausts me to be part of a world where right has become wrong, and the wrong have become correct in our eyes.Being stuck in this unhealthy rut with people who might as well be dead. While the world moves forward and leaves us behindI feel angry; I therefore rant

I Sit there waiting

I sit there, squinting in the sun, reading a paperback, dressed in my orange t-shirt and favorite pair of jeans. The sun so bright. Warm on my tanned skin. In the distance, a little boy and a girl run around the water sprinklers. Shrieks and laughter. Colors of the rainbow. Summer fun.I have never been a fan of summer.

I sit there waiting

Months pass by. I look around and find myself at that same place, swinging my legs, and humming to myself. I feel the breeze as it blows away the crisp orange leafs. I smile because I know it. Fall has begun

I sit there waiting.

I laugh to myself as the tiny droplets of rain fall on my hair, eyelashes and the tip of my nose. I sip my coffee and take a deep breath of fresh air, and for a moment I enjoy the cold rush. I feel alive. How I like the browns and blacks, the sweaters and wool. How I love the rainy afternoons.

I sit there waiting

What am I to do

We accept when we see
We believe when we feel
We like to think that we decide
That we have power over every happening around us;
we can change, determine and choose.
What happens when we lose that control?
When life looks down at us with that smug smile, and uses us as puppets in its cruel little games it plays?
What am I to do with love?
What am I to do with death?

22

Days pass by. Seems like yesterday, I was just a 10 year old girl, playing around with her bicycle, trying so hard to ride the two-wheeler, to be a grown up. Weeks pass by. Seems like yesterday when I was happy turning thirteen, I am not a 12 year old child anymore. I just stepped into adolescence; adulthood is just a few steps away. Months pass by. Here I am, a stubborn 15 year old who passionately believes in all sorts of things, trying to find herself. Years pass by; here am I, a 17 year old who thinks she knows it all. A girl in a constant struggle with whoever tries to control or protect her. Seems like yesterday, when I was an 18 year old being hit by one of life’s harshest experiences; loss. Days pass by. Seems like yesterday when I was a 20 year old girl, facing the world, with all the joys and pains it has to offer, a girl trying to care and trust, and even let go. Months pass by, here I am…22

To Tame A Heart

Sitting by a window
Watching the highway
As the fast lane goes by
And again
I find myself lost In my own thoughts
A life that’s tiring
And I wonder
Again between all the noise
Just trying to find a way
To tame a restless soul
Question after question
They come along
What has gone
And what is left to come
Who’s to know
In the strange road of life
And those eyes still search
For warmth in the distance
And hearts
Still look for happiness
Wherever it may be found
Wild Heart

Daydreaming In The Airport

So many faces I see, as I walk between the crowd. So many stories to be told, within the diversity I find. I try to catch up with my dad who has a faster pace and then I look back at the two smiling faces as I listen to the bickering and whispering. I look around as I take in the smell that’s somewhere between coffee and cigarettes. Again I stare at the crowd and again I wonder what each pair of those eyes hold within. Families sitting together on the floor in different corners here and there. Some who seem to have been there for quite a while and have given up sleeping on the uncomfortable chairs. Couples here and there, holding hands or talking softly. Young solo travelers pass me by. I listen to the murmurs and I hear babies crying, while the little kids never stop chatting and asking their tired looking parents about everything. I look again. Different hairs, eyes, attitudes, clothes, smells, styles and stories to be told. Again I realize how much it makes me wonder

World Of Conflict

Struggling everyday riding on this rollercoaster called life.
Waking up in the morning and trying to make it through the day in a continuous struggle trying to find ourselves in this world.
The conflict between a materialistic society and ambitions within.
The effort to hold on to our own beliefs faced by the pressures of conformity
Trying to fit in somewhere in a cruel world, a place to belong
Accepting people just the way they are, getting past differences
Coping with change, being able to move on
Taking in this global culture, and still maintaining an identity
Fighting for independence behind the walls of overprotection
The courage of following our own way when running with the crowd is much easier
The ability to say what’s on our minds even when all we get are judging stares
finding ourselves when we get lost in the many ideas and thoughts around us
dealing

You Say

You look at me
And you look away
You look into my eyes
And you just smile
Who are you
To smile that way
You say you know me
You say you understand
You are so sure you have me figured
Inside out
when there’s so much
you just don’t know
from the way you get through
I’m forced to believe
You tell me you can’t stand my tears
Still
Over and over
You make me cry

Like Them

I listened to their conversation and for a moment, I just wished I was that naïve. I wished I could say silly things like that. I wish I was able to say whatever’s on my mind without thinking, without being scared of judgment. I wished I knew as little as them. I wished I barely understood. I wished my world was as simple as they saw it, and my most important concern was which ice-cream flavor to choose. I wish I was so carefree that innocence was all what could be seen in my eyes and it was all that was heard in my laughter. Just like them. I wish I was able to run until I was breathless. I wish I was able to play till I had dirt in my hair and I didn’t care. like them.

I May Be 21

I looked at a world around me
Yes I’m young,
Still I’m wounded.
I have learnt
You look at me
And see a beginning of the life
The radiance of youth
A soul so alive
A page still white
Sparks in those glowing eyes
The carefree smile
Still
There’s much more
Who says you’ve got to be forty
For you to realize
That it’s possible
To smile,
With tear filled eyes
That there are weak moments
Between the long times you’ve stood high and proud
Like mountains
That there is a single moment
Between holding on tightly
And letting go
Who says you’ve got to be forty
To know that the same heart
Could love with passion
Yet hate and hate
To find out that two eyes
See the world as heaven today
And get lost
In the same world
When it seems like the darkest place tomorrow
Who says you’ve got to be forty
To learn the secrets of souls
How they could hold so much courage and faith
Then break down so easily
And be driven by the Selfishness life forces
Yet the empathy embedded there
Love that’s God given
Still lies within
How there’s a thin thread
Between care
And indifference
Just like there is
Between emptiness
And fulfillment
How you can be lost in the crowd
Still it doesn’t change the loneliness
That’s within
That all the noise that surrounds you
Cant shake the silence
Sometimes all it takes
Is being 21